Things I don't miss about Australia

Things I don't miss about Australia

Recently, this article was published pointing out some reasons why Australia is better than Canada.

Besides the fact some of the points are flat out wrong, the majority seem to be on the order of "it's easier for us to part with our money and we get less for it!". Yay! Uh, wait, WTF?

Hon, the reason those restaurant portions are so big is they're for two. Order an extra plate or take it home. Economy of scale and all that. And the reason food comes in such large containers at the store? Again, economy of scale and less trips to the store. And we do have unit pricing everywhere food is sold. We invented this, and food labelling laws. Try finding out what's in your hot dogs in the US, they won't tell you they don't have to; here it's the law. You can always derive unit pricing (we do it in our heads, what's wrong with you people?) but you can't derive an ingredient list.

As friendly rival Commonwealth countries with the two most stable economies in the world there's bout to be some competition. Here's some more of it.

  • Water. Australia, you have none, other than that salty stuff you can't drink. We have rain (look it up) and one third of the worlds supply of fresh water. You have sand, sun and less solar power than the German Alps.

  • Not all forms of life in Canada are out to kill you with ruthless efficiency. We don't have stonefish, blue ringed octopus, sharks, crocks, snakes, dingos and 10,000 species of giant lethal spiders. While on average, 30% of snakes in any country are venomous, in Australia its 67%. In Canada the rate is effectively zero - our only poisonous snake is endangered and so rare and confined to one are we may as well not have any. Australia is home to most of the worlds venomous snake including the inland krait, the most deadly snake on the planet. It's also called the nine step snake because that's how far you get after it bites you, forget anti-venom, you don't have time, you're effectively dead the moment it bites you. Instead of spiders than can kill you or dingos that eat babies we have poison ivy, and that's the worst of it. Oh and mosquitoes, which are unknown in Australia, instead they have something called "the assassin beetle" not named that as a joke, it's what killed Charles Darwin.

  • Canadians smoke more pot per capita than any country on earth, outdoing even Jamaica. Australia has mandatory pre-natal alcoholism. This is why Canadians are internationally known for being so polite and why Australian children know 20 words that describe vomiting before they're 8.

  • Those sure are nice opals over there at Coober Pedy. All we have diamonds, gold and so much oil we actually supply the US with more oil than anyone else does.

  • Canadians were actively involved in creating the Internet back before Robert Elz had shoes, when one 56K link served all of Australia. The articles claim the 1997 introduction of the consolidated online bill paying service was the worlds first is actually predated by a Canadian company who did this a year prior.

  • Canada invented insulin, Australia didn't invent diabetes, but it was perfected there. You're welcome. Canada invented and leads the world in molecular medicine.

  • In War, Canadians were the ones known to take very few prisoners and suffered no great losses in the 20th century. Australia? Gallipoli and decades of national shame.

  • Canada prosecutes its crooked civil servants, Australia exports them. Paul Twoomey ruined the Australian internet by starting on a path of the most regulated Internet this side of China. Capitalizing on this success, the US tapped Paul to run ICANN, and the decade under his aegis saw millions fly in and zero deliverables were produced. Eventually the US congress hauled him in to explain, he lied to them and was sent packing. He was paid ten million dollars during this period which was paid for by a tax on all domain names in the world.

  • Canada has a space program and invented the manipulative arm. Australia invented the gas lawn mower. Oh wait that was New Zealand.

  • Canada reinvented the modern zoo, a model every zoo in the world now uses. Australia? Rabbits and cane toads.

  • Canadians speak two languages. Australians Can't even speak one properly.

  • Filmed on location in your average Canadian locale: Ann of Green Gables. Filmed on location in your average Australian locale: Mad Max, Road Warrior; the stark blistering landscape is a natural for the post apocalyptic future. I have seen the end of the world, it's Alice Springs.

  • Canada was founded by educated adventurers to bored with the European status quo, Australia was founded by the criminally insane.